How A Search Engine Can Start Off A Train of Thought

It’s amazing what you can find on Etsy – the home of handmade arts and crafts, vintage items,  supplies for your hobbies and, apparently, home crafted sex furniture.  I don’t want to give you a link to the particular shop but you can easily find it – and probably others like it –  by putting certain words like ‘fetish’, ‘dungeon’ or ‘cross’ in the search bar.   You may not believe me but the last word was what I put in or, more precisely ‘pedestal cross’ because I was doing a bit of price comparison research on one of my vintage items.  Honest guv!  To prove it, here is a picture of my pedestal cross.

metalcrucifix (4)

The reason that particular shop’s home dungeon came up in my search was because the skilfully made, human-sized wooden cross for sale there can apparently be taken apart quickly by undoing one wing nut and then concealed inside a wooden pedestal which you can stand a potted plant on.  Ingenious eh?  So handy for when the vicar comes round for tea unexpectedly.

'Shall we buy a plant stand?'

‘Shall we buy a plant stand?’

Now I don’t mind a bit of slap and tickle but the emphasis is definitely on the tickle.  I think my pain threshold is quite high – I didn’t have any pain relief when my daughters were born although, afterward, when it got to the having stitches stage, I damn well wished I had!  Plus, with my first, they had to close the window as the noise I was making was frightening the children in the playground of the school next door but I still don’t fancy being deliberately subjected to pain.  What are the statistics?  Is it mostly a man thing?  Can we blame the British public school system?  Oo-er Matron.

I won’t ever be able to go into somebody’s home where there is a wooden pedestal with a plant on top without wondering if…….  The only torture chamber in our house is the conservatory where the cats regularly bring in mice, lizards and other small beings which I am sure are not dispatched with kindness but I haven’t seen any evidence of crosses – although we do have a plant stand in there……..

Looking for the next victim

Looking for the next victim

I liked the shop’s  ‘reviews’ sent in by satisfied  happy, dungeon owning customers.  One complained that there was a slight split in the wood at the base of the pedestal.   I know, I know, just because you’re going to use something as part of a fetish ritual in a basement doesn’t mean you should have to put up with faulty goods.   Another said he was delighted with the workmanship and it was of ‘heirloom quality’.  Heirloom?  If your offspring had any idea you were concealing dungeon equipment in that innocent looking plant stand next to the telly they probably would have no more to do with you, ever. Unless, of course, you had passed down the gene for the love of all things painful in which case, they might be glad of  it one day.  Also, they might think you were slightly less boring than if you made them a quilt for an heirloom – sorry girls!

It all bought to mind – although very obliquely –  ‘The Ballad of Freda and Barry’ by Victoria Wood which, even though it’s from the 80s , still made me laugh when I watched it again on YouTube.  So for those of you who aren’t Brits, or haven’t heard of Victoria Wood or haven’t seen her do this, it’s worth 5 minutes for a good laugh.  Plus, as this is from the  ‘An Audience With ..’ series, where the show is performed in front of other celebrities, it’s fun spotting those who were or still are famous – Julie Walters  is there, for example, sporting the kind of hairstyle we all had back then. Well, I did.

I hope I haven’t offended anybody by wondering out loud about this particular fetish – whatever floats your boat – and if you do want the link to the shop, just ask!


, , ,

  1. #1 by katechiconi on April 24, 2014 - 14:45

    Gosh, why do I never have such exciting results to my Google searches…? Did they have whipping posts for recalcitrant spouses and small dark cupboards for imprisoning naughty children, or was it all Oooh vicar and suggestive?

    • #2 by tialys on April 25, 2014 - 08:17

      I’m not sure Kate – do you want me to ask for you? 😉

      • #3 by katechiconi on April 25, 2014 - 08:28

        Perhaps not, although the cupboard for naughty children might be a solution to the neighbour’s screaming monster…

  2. #4 by sew2pro on April 24, 2014 - 18:47

    Hm, I’m in two minds here. Part of me wants to know how the pedestal cross is used. And a part of me really, really doesn’t….


    But I did enjoy the Victoria Wood vid!

    • #5 by tialys on April 25, 2014 - 08:17

      I’m on the ‘don’t really want to know side’ myself.

  3. #6 by Lynn on April 24, 2014 - 18:56

    I suppose I wasn’t living in England when that TV programme was on…still don’t, but I really enjoyed watching the Victoria Wood video, and then moved on to watch some of the others that came up at the end. Nothing like British comedy is there? You successfully diverted me from getting on with the housework and I forgot to put the bread in the oven to bake!
    As for the search engine find, that was hilarious, and to think someone is out there crafting these objects. Who knew?

    • #7 by tialys on April 25, 2014 - 08:18

      Sorry to interfere with your bread making but I’m glad you enjoyed yourself.

  4. #8 by mandymunroe on April 25, 2014 - 00:45

    I remember this – what a hoot!

    • #9 by tialys on April 25, 2014 - 08:19

      Some comedy really stands the test of time doesn’t it?

  5. #10 by Jodie on April 25, 2014 - 11:03

    Well at least the items are handmade…. You know , not just your regular dungeon room furniture.

    • #11 by tialys on April 25, 2014 - 17:34

      Well, yes! I should imagine that would add a bit of an extra frisson to the proceedings. Otherwise, you might as well just go down the local hardware store for a couple of bits of 4 x 2 and a few screws nuts and bolts.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: