It’s amazing what you can find on Etsy – the home of handmade arts and crafts, vintage items, supplies for your hobbies and, apparently, home crafted sex furniture. I don’t want to give you a link to the particular shop but you can easily find it – and probably others like it – by putting certain words like ‘fetish’, ‘dungeon’ or ‘cross’ in the search bar. You may not believe me but the last word was what I put in or, more precisely ‘pedestal cross’ because I was doing a bit of price comparison research on one of my vintage items. Honest guv! To prove it, here is a picture of my pedestal cross.
The reason that particular shop’s home dungeon came up in my search was because the skilfully made, human-sized wooden cross for sale there can apparently be taken apart quickly by undoing one wing nut and then concealed inside a wooden pedestal which you can stand a potted plant on. Ingenious eh? So handy for when the vicar comes round for tea unexpectedly.
Now I don’t mind a bit of slap and tickle but the emphasis is definitely on the tickle. I think my pain threshold is quite high – I didn’t have any pain relief when my daughters were born although, afterward, when it got to the having stitches stage, I damn well wished I had! Plus, with my first, they had to close the window as the noise I was making was frightening the children in the playground of the school next door but I still don’t fancy being deliberately subjected to pain. What are the statistics? Is it mostly a man thing? Can we blame the British public school system? Oo-er Matron.
I won’t ever be able to go into somebody’s home where there is a wooden pedestal with a plant on top without wondering if……. The only torture chamber in our house is the conservatory where the cats regularly bring in mice, lizards and other small beings which I am sure are not dispatched with kindness but I haven’t seen any evidence of crosses – although we do have a plant stand in there……..
I liked the shop’s ‘reviews’ sent in by
satisfied happy, dungeon owning customers. One complained that there was a slight split in the wood at the base of the pedestal. I know, I know, just because you’re going to use something as part of a fetish ritual in a basement doesn’t mean you should have to put up with faulty goods. Another said he was delighted with the workmanship and it was of ‘heirloom quality’. Heirloom? If your offspring had any idea you were concealing dungeon equipment in that innocent looking plant stand next to the telly they probably would have no more to do with you, ever. Unless, of course, you had passed down the gene for the love of all things painful in which case, they might be glad of it one day. Also, they might think you were slightly less boring than if you made them a quilt for an heirloom – sorry girls!
It all bought to mind – although very obliquely – ‘The Ballad of Freda and Barry’ by Victoria Wood which, even though it’s from the 80s , still made me laugh when I watched it again on YouTube. So for those of you who aren’t Brits, or haven’t heard of Victoria Wood or haven’t seen her do this, it’s worth 5 minutes for a good laugh. Plus, as this is from the ‘An Audience With ..’ series, where the show is performed in front of other celebrities, it’s fun spotting those who were or still are famous – Julie Walters is there, for example, sporting the kind of hairstyle we all had back then. Well, I did.
I hope I haven’t offended anybody by wondering out loud about this particular fetish – whatever floats your boat – and if you do want the link to the shop, just ask!